Monthly Archives: May 2010

Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets

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Yes I have named it.

I have seen the beast eye to eye on many occasions. She has been my companion for far too many years. I hate her and banish her but she is always around. Lurking. Waiting to begin her silent seduction of me once again.

Lola, the beast. The beast of my fat.

How many times has she won me over?

Far too many to count.

Struggles are constant and victories are short lived. Ups, downs, highs, lows…Lola is there.

I know how to battle her into submission for a while. I just don’t know how to slay that beast. I doubt that I can.

She will always be my nemesis. Dogging me. Taunting me. Convincing me AGAIN that she isn’t so bad.

It has been a year since I lost about 150 pounds.

I can see that I have found some of it again. All thanks to Lola.

I won’t weigh myself but then again I don’t have to.

No I haven’t even approached gaining it ALL back, thank God. But Lola has seen to it that the temptations have been many and the resistance too weak.

Lola strikes both mentally and physically. She can whisper the sweetest of things in your ear. Convincing you to let your guard down. No matter how many times I swear I will never fall for her lies again, I just do.

She’s good, that Lola. She strips your resolve. Removes your incentives. Then strikes.

I’ve been wrestling her a lot lately. She’s been winning of course.

I am about to mount an all out offensive yet again.

This time I have no illusions of defeating her once and for all. That I have given up on.

But perhaps this time I can beat her back enough that she will lay low for an extra long while.

She knows I’m coming for her.

She knows she may have to go away for a while but she will be back.

Lola wants to be with me.

Whatever Lola wants!

Ah you know the song……

The Paradox of Me

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There’s a great episode of SEINFELD where the character George finds that his life improves greatly when he decides to do the opposite of what his gut tells him to. He follows his instinct and he is a loser; he does the polar opposite and the world is his oyster.

Quite a bold move! And of course it is fiction. Try doing that in the real world and see how far it gets you.

Lately, though, I feel like my life is all full of opposites. Things that should be one way are working out to be another. My gut reaction is to fight against it. I tried. But it can get quite tiresome.

Things are turning out to be one huge paradox.

What’s a (lounge)boy to do?

At this point I’m thinking of just going along for the ride.

Being sedentary and grossly overweight I set off on a rigorous program of healthy living.

And what does it get me?

Constant recurring infections.

Aches and pains that could be described as almost crippling.

Fatigue, dry skin, bad breath, some hair loss, and the alienation of many a friend and coworker.

But boy did I look good!

I looked 10-15 years younger. I could wear stylish clothes. I fit in airline seats. Heck even my feet got smaller.

Contrary to that old Billy Crystal line, it is NOT better to look good than to feel good. Many would argue with me on that one but at this point, forget about it.

How could I be living so healthy yet living off of pills? I never had to before.

Now I had a whole arsenal of over the counter and prescription meds to get me through my healthy day.

I should be feeling great and I wasn’t.

I started trying everything. Exercising more and resting more. Eating more and eating less. I ate more carbs and less protein and vice versa.

It has been quite a ride.

I gave up on swimming entirely. I could no longer pretend that hours on end in that chemical filled water was really not affecting me. I could be wrong but I have to give that a shot.

Rest became my mantra. Let my body heal.

Going from 60 to zero meant only one thing; rapid weight gain.

Scary for sure.

Here we go again.

The exact same thing that happened the last time I lost weight. Pain forces me to curtail my exercise and I start to get fat again.

Returning to Medifast crosses my mind but that is tempered by the gnawing feeling twas Medifast that screwed me u in the first place. Can eating 800 calories a day of a completely unbalanced diet for over a year really have no ill effect whatsoever? The jury is still out on that one.

So here I sit in my way bigger pants and my ever tightening shirt. I look older. A little “dumpier”.

But guess what?

I have MORE energy.

I feel better over all even though I am eating more crap than I have in years.

Daily pain quotient has diminished to a low hum.

And I feel pretty good about myself.

Life has gone from work/workout/dinner/sleep to actually doing things and going places after work. I have a life!

My friends tell me I don’t look “fat” which is good. I don’t think I look fat either.

If I let myself be ruled by the scale and measurements I sure as hell am.

I’d love to drop this extra weight and get back to where I was just a few months ago but since this weight loss thing is just one giant paradox for me I am treading cautiously.

I watch what I eat to a point. I know I am letting myself enjoy way too many bad carbs and not enough vegetables.

I’m still not doing cardio per se, but I have ramped up my Pilates again. Yes it is kicking my butt and I am kind of achy but so far it has been a good kind of ache.

Bodybugg tells me that on Pilates days I am burning about 2800 calories. Surely I should be able to work with that.

I am not ready to do 100% of the opposite of what I think is good for me, but I am a little more comfortable with it.

Especially since I look in the mirror now and I see my Dad staring back at me. He was never fat nor skinny. He did hard manual labor for his entire life and was an incredibly powerful “big guy”. I know I don’t have the strength he did but I do have the same general build. I admire that man greatly so seeing him in my own reflection is really very comforting.

Maybe this paradox isn’t a paradox at all but rather simply stupidity in fighting genetic predisposition?

Who can say?

This life stuff is hard.