There’s No Place Like It

A friend of mine was telling me about her excitement going back to the “old neighborhood” to relive the good old days. As is usual in these situations, “home” was nothing like she remembered.

One of the few times I have been back “home”, the house that my father built shortly after my parents were married came on the market. Being the youngest I only lived there until the summer between 3rd & 4^th  grade. Of the many houses we lived in since, it is still the one in my memories as “home”. Anyway the house came on the market and with my sister’s Real Estate license we got the keys and went for a visit. Besides being 10 times smaller than I remember it, it brought back so many memories…ones that are so vivid even as I type.

The house was vacant when we saw it which just ramped up the eerie tone of the visit. It was like walking into the house the afternoon of the day we moved out. Other than cleaning up I sincerely doubt the subsequent owners did anything to change the interiors. All the fixtures, colors, wallpapers were the same. A testament to my Dad’s good work.

All of the windows in the dining room and “play room” had hardwood window sills and I could not believe my eyes when I saw the teeth marks in them. Those were mine! An unfortunate relic of the past when I was tall enough to peer out of the windows but my mouth was just the same height of the sills. Based on the enjoyable sensation I got from chewing on the wood of a pencil, the sills didn’t stand a chance. Why they hadn’t been sanded out or something I do not know. Heck I think the dent I made in the hall closet door with my tricycle (!) was still there!

But the rooms were smaller then I remembered. The towering staircase to the 2^nd floor was ¼ the size of the one in my memory. Even the vast yard which to me was my own Central Park was a run of the mill suburban yard. The evergreens that my mother planted and spent summers caring for were gone. As were her pampered Rhododendrans.

The tree I crashed my sled into was gone and the sand pile where many hours were spent digging to China, was now green lawn. None of that dimmed my affection for the place.

This is the street where I learned to ride a bike; my sisters old pink “girl’s bike” Schwinn with training wheels. It is also where I fell over onto and squished the neighbor kid one of the first times the training wheels came off.

At the end of this same street, grew wild blackberries. On hot July days if my grandmother was visiting, she would take me down there to do some picking. I’d usually have an old washed out ricotta cheese container to hold the bounty. They didn’t have Tupperware back then. Most would make it into the container, but I had my fair share of the hot from the sun, sweet berries right there. When we’d get home they’d be chilled til later when they were served up with a spoonful or two of sugar sprinkled all over them.

Even though the saying is really true that you “can’t go home again”, I often muse about acquiring that place and maybe even retiring there. My sleepy, somewhat rural hometown of my youth is that way no longer. It is a thriving, BUSY, happening place. But that house will always be a bastion of my memories, a museum of my youth. I wouldn’t mind being curator for a while.

Can You Feel It?

My fat is sneaky.

I think most folks would say they have problem areas insofar as fat is concerned. I’d guess most guys say they carry their weight first and foremost in their bellies. I’d guess women would say their hips and butt are the “problem areas”.

Me, on the other hand, have one big problem area: my whole body.

I have come to the conclusion my body is so efficient at storing and keeping fat, it has made ever inch of my body a receptacle for it.

I used to be amazed at the people on Medifast who would blog how they lost 10 pounds and would need new clothes. I really thought they were delusional. I’d have to shift 30 or more pounds before my body changed enough to take even one size smaller and I am finally realizing why.

I gain weight all over and I lose it all over. This is why it is so sneaky. Because any weight gain I have is spread out over my entire body, I will not notice any gain until it is too late. Hence my cries of “How did I get so fat so fast?” It wasn’t fast, it just wasn’t noticeable.

And so it is when I lose weight as well. It comes off in miniscule amounts all from all over. If I lost 13 pounds in my gut I’d sure as heck notice it and probably drop 4 pants sizes. But because it comes off a little from my face, some from my arms, a tad from my chest…..it really doesn’t make much difference in my appearance or my measurements. Generally the only way to measure my progress is my much loathed scale and the even more hated tape measure.

But today. Ah today. It was one of those glorious mornings where the weight loss was significant enough to actually mean something to me without any measurements. Today for the first time on this Medifast cycle, I FEEL like I’ve lost weight. To me, that is probably the only incentive that really matters. I can feel I am being successful so it really renews my commitment.

With Medifast this glorious feeling comes only 9 days in. That’s one of the things that makes this method of weight loss work for me. If I used any other method that provided for slower weight loss, I know I would get discouraged and give up because it would take so long to feel anything.

I am still wearing the same sized clothes but they look better. Of course I also feel better.

I’m doing this to fit in clothes that only fit a few months ago and I am happy to be closer to that goal. I can’t wait to put on that smaller size and feel it!

Talk About A Vicious Circle

Ok. I wouldn’t say I am struggling exactly.

To me that implies someone has had to knock a donut out of my mouth.

I am still on plan thank you very much, but the thoughts of eating are stronger than ever. I wouldn’t say that I am hungry; not in the normal sense of what “I’m hungry” means.

Chiefly I am in just one heck of a lousy mood. Epic.

I am also finding it difficult to concentrate which is adding to my frustration which is adding to my lousy mood.

I’m finding myself not wanting to talk much and if I do I just want to state what I have to say and be done with it. I don’t want to have a conversation because that would mean thinking and concentrating and frankly I sometimes think my head will pop off. LOL.

Sounds dismal doesn’t it?

Putting it to page really does make it seem dire but I guess all is not lost as I do still have SOME humor about it.

All is not lost as the plan is working like a charm in the area it excels in: weight loss.

In one week on plan I am down 13 pounds. Huzzah!

In the 3 times I began Medifast and really applied myself, I lost 13 pounds the first week. It really is my lucky number. I think I usually lose 7 pounds the 2^nd week but one never knows do one?

If I succumb to the carbs and have some oatmeal or something (waffles), it will be purely by choice to see if I can get my wits about me by feeding glucose directly into my blood stream. I don’t see myself blacking out and waking up covered in taco wrappers….but again one never knows.

I think I can tough it out. I had only planned to be on Medifast for 2 weeks before I went off anyway.

It is a confirmed fact that there is NEVER the perfect time to start this diet. There is always SOMETHING coming up that logically tells you to wait, but really….it is an endless string of waiting if you do that. I started the diet with the full knowledge that summer was chock full of commitments I had made that probably would revolve around celebratory meals. If you have been with me from the prehistoric beginnings of my journey, you know that I have adopted the “eat for special occasions” rule instead of the “stay on plan no matter what” rule.

Friends who have done the latter method have certainly been over all more effective than me in achieving their weight loss goals but I haven’t done THAT badly. Life is just so short and full of stress; turning joyful occasions into my own little stress filled crapfest just doesn’t work for me. A few days off and back on the plan for me. Until July 4th.

I’m thinking I may have to eat my lean & green for lunch as these symptoms really get worse as the day goes on. Unfortunately that would require planning. Which would require concentration. Which isn’t exactly my forte right now. Talk about a vicious circle.

Seems Like Old Times

I don’t know if ketosis can become a “learned response” but I often suspect it can.

Here I am on re-Medifast Day 4 and I really feel like my body was understood my sudden change in consumption. It was as if my organs just said, “Oh we’re doing that again are we?”, and rose to the occasion.

Of course that doesn’t explain my spectacular crash and burn from last week. I had a disastrous 2 days of trying to start up again. I suspect the chief culprit there was me not keeping to the schedule of eating every 2 hours. I’ve gone off schedule before with not much of a problem, but that was when I was deep into the program; not just starting out.

So aside from the occasional spate of dizziness, and intermittent headaches, I really have to be thankful for a fairly easy transition back on plan.

Even though I am not feeling a rush of energy which is the usual signal to me that I have made it into ketosis, I am feeling pretty good and relatively hunger free. In fact it really seems like old times. Who knew Medifast can be kind of like riding a bicycle? Once you do the program, it is apparently something you don’t easily forget.

I’m going to attempt a round of Pilates this afternoon and see how it goes. Pilates usually makes me very hungry so that could be an issue. I’ll just have my lean & green at the ready so I can eat right after I shower and not allow myself to become ravenous. I did do Pilates on my first day of the plan, Sunday, and I was hungry all day. Hopefully the ketosis of today will make a difference.

Today, I wore one of my favorite shirts that has become quite tight as a reminder of why am doing this. I am thrilled that the HUGE hurdle of getting back into the program is once again behind me, and I look forward to the results that are sure to follow.

Wait and See

And so I’ve begun again.

No, I didn’t have eggplant parmesan as a “last meal”. I was just too lazy to make it. I also had some out of the blue digestive issues that really took away my appetite. Oh the irony!

So I am trying again to get the weight loss ball rolling.

I had a very inauspicious start again; sleeping late and working out late…heck it was almost noon and I hadn’t had anything to eat. But I had 2 shakes at about 11:30am and then just proceeded with my day.

And what a miserable day it was. I was hungry. On edge. I couldn’t concentrate on doing anything yet I kept feeling the need to do something. After eating my lean & green I sat there wondering what I was even doing awake so I went to bed extra, extra early.

I’ll be honest with you. I don’t recall day one of Medifast being so horrible. In fact, I always found the first day pretty easy. But now I just feel lousy from the get go. And hungry!

Here it is day two and I am apprehensive at best. Yes I would really like to get into this groove, but realizing last week’s crash and burn came on the 2^nd day I am wondering what the day holds for me.

I am also wondering if I should have taken a few days off knowing that I was trying to start Medifast again. I think in the past I always started on a long weekend so I would be well underway by the time I returned to work. You just aren’t yourself when you first start Medifast and I think I’d be doing myself and those around me a lot of good if I didn’t go out in public for the first few days. Oh well. Here I am. Time to deal with it.

For today 2 shakes, 2 puddings and a soup. For my lean & green it is a piece of leftover steak and greens of some kind.

And now for the either really brilliant piece of my plan or the really dumb part. For this round of Medifast, I am not going near a scale. You heard me. No weigh ins, no weight. I don’t want to be a slave to that ever again. OMG I am up 5 ounces! OMG I wanted to lose 4 pounds this week but I only lost 3.8!

Nope.

That stuff sucks. And not in a good way.

My mania right now is to fit into clothes I bought just a few months ago. Those are my measurements of success. It doesn’t matter what the scale says.

I’ve given myself 2 months to see results. Until then it’s all wait and see.

More of the Same

I’m a modern American guy. I want instant results. I like instant results.

Short and sweet. Quick and painless.

Is it any wonder every time I get it into my head to drop some weight I always run to the quickest perceived way possible?

I guess that’s where Medifast entered the picture. It promises weight loss of upwards of 5 pounds a week. I would say on average over many months it probably does. You usually drop a HUGE amount of weight the first few weeks then taper off to around 2 pounds a week if you are lucky AND if you stick to the plan. That’s the catch.

The plan is strict but that’s a good thing. The first few days of Medifast are usually the worst. For some it is longer. Like me. Feeling lousy could go on for weeks. But once the Medifast magic kicks in it is magic. You feel great. You are filled with energy. And perhaps the most magical thing of all, you generally aren’t hungry. Imagine eating less than 1000 calories a day and not feeling like you are starving all the time! For the most part, it is true on Medifast.

I say “for the most part” because random ravenous hunger will strike from time to time. I suppose it is unavoidable. Happily it is more of an exception than a rule. I think it achieves this with a combination of eating frequently (every few hours in fact) and with really giving your body a massive detox.

The detox part is a bit of a pain but it is something you kind of get used to. You drink massive amounts of water so you literally have to pee at least 4 times an hour. It is EXTREMELY inconvenient. Long car rides are a problem. Heck, any trip (shopping or whatever) becomes more burdensome than you every thought possible. Getting an eye exam, getting your teeth cleaned, (etc) can mean supreme exercises in self control and “holding it”.

Then there is what I call the “liquipoops”. For me they show up during the 2^nd week and occasionally thereafter. You think it is gas but no. It is indeed “liquid poop”. Occasionally I’d read about people asking Medifast support about the problem. In usual corporate Medifast fashion, Medifast denies everything. They also deny hair loss. I can confirm for me, Medifast causes both problems whether they admit it or not. Both aren’t long term and do reverse themselves but they are things to contend with. And then there’s the gas. That pretty much lasts for the entire weight loss phase. Some claim they get help from probiotics. YMMV.

Yet even with all of that to contend with, in a way, Medifast spoils you for other diets. Any other weight loss method I have tried has pretty much caused non-stop constant hunger. The Weight Watcher commercials are right, intense hunger will generally mean the end of a diet. Once you tough it out through the initial induction part of the Medifast diet, it really is more a matter of dealing with old habits versus uncontrollable physiological need.

This week I kinda sorta forgot all that.

I decided to resume my weight loss by following a cobbled together 5+1 plan and I failed dramatically. I tried drastically reducing my caloric intake but without following the lower carb precepts dictated by Medifast. I ate fruit and cereal in addition to my Medifast meals. The first day I struggled through the splitting headache and ended the day with a picture perfect “lean & green” meal. By the end of the 2^nd day the headache was splitting and I was so on edge it wasn’t even funny. I was yelling about anything and at everyone.

Needless to say I went home and ate. And drank. I felt like a million bucks afterwards. LOL. Disappointed that I blew the previous 2 days of dieting, but I was frakkin miserable.

I need to start again and have to decide if I want speed (a la Medifast) or something a little less drastic. Of course I am leaning towards the former. I want to fit in my beautiful summer clothes before the end of summer but that is going to take some commitment and cash outlay. I priced a Medifast order and it is well over $300. Eek! I could get the cheaper variety pack but I am so over having to shake or mix and cook and clean up….ready made everything ONLY for me please.

I’ve given myself to Sunday to decide what to do. I’ve always started on Sundays in the past so why mess with what works? In the meantime I am relaxing (no workouts this week!) and am enjoying cleaning out the cupboards via consumption.

And in true “getting ready for the big diet” fashion, I’m thinking of making a huge pan of eggplant parmesan for my “last meal”. Oooo and garlic bread.

Some things never change.

Taking the Cure

The long weekend was wonderful.

I connected with a too long removed family member, and enjoyed the company of friends and family members with a good old fashioned American BBQ.

Food and drink wasn’t an issue this weekend because I chose not to make it one.

I need to relearn how to say “no” for sure, but I think from now on holidays and special events will be forever exempt. Life is just too short not to enjoy yourself occasionally.

You heard me. OCCASIONALLY being the key.

Still working on that one.

But as I had been planning for the last few weeks, my new (food) austerity program begins today.

For the time being I am not jumping back on the 5+1 Medifast diet, though that may still come. First and foremost here I am cutting out the junk. I am stopping with the “one bite won’t hurt me” mentality and seeing how far I get.

If my cutbacks prove too difficult to achieve then Medifast here I come. It is severe but that severity makes it pretty simple to follow. I’m just not mentally ready for it yet.

As I mentioned before, my dear BodyBugg tells me I burn about 2500 – 2800 calories a day. When I am bogged down with housework (etc) that can easily exceed 3000. My point being, if my day to day activities can burn 2500 calories, then obviously my food consumption is way out of whack as I am still gaining weight. So I begin with the simple plan of burning more calories than I consume. Pretty radical huh?

Time to say “no” and push the plate away.

I like to claim complete non-responsibility for my weight gains. There is no way I eat enough to justify that weight gain! That’s a favorite.

I also complain about putting on weight too quickly. If I only gained 1 or 2 pounds at a time I’ll be able to change my habits and nip any large(ish) gain in the bud. I usually contend that I will put on 10 -15 pounds OVERNIGHT with no warning. Wellll…….

I guess the warning should be that I’d been stuffing my face for weeks before that weight appeared.

I have to face it. My body wants to be fat.

I love to eat and drink and pretty much everyone around me does as well. It’s comforting. It’s fun. It is easy to be fat. It takes lots of work not to be. When given the opportunity to be fat or thin my body will always pull to fat.

See my “Lola” blog for a further discussion of this phenomenon.

But you know what?

I don’t want to be fat.

I don’t want to be stick thin either. Quite frankly, I just don’t want to work that hard.

And so I begin again. I’m not desperate this time. I am not fanatical. I am no longer foolish enough to believe this is the last time I am going to do this.

I just have some mighty nice summer clothes that I would like to get use of this season. They don’t fit now but with a little discipline they will.

To be honest I am looking forward to the results but not the process.

I’ve already turned down my first lunch invite so I am on my way.

And with that, the wild ride begins again.